When you’re living with a broken heart that needs mending…


In this picture, I was wearing between my heart and my newborn, an automatic defibrillator vest (my own version of a bullet proof vest called the LifeVest) with a number of leads ready to shock my heart back to life at a moment’s notice…because my first doctors couldn’t really give me a good explanation for why I’d had a heart attack 8 days after having a baby. And they couldn’t assure me that it wouldn’t happen again…

Suddenly, everything I thought I’d done to prevent something like this, being healthy, was being ripped away from me. It was like the rug was ripped from under my feet; only now are they learning the only certain place to stand.
 I wore that vest and its purse-like battery pack across my chest 24hrs/day for the first month of my daughter’s life. These newborn pictures were an attempt at finding normal amidst a world drowning in chaos; taken spontaneously by a dear photographer friend. But, I literally got out of bed and walked in the other room for them. Not what I’d dreamed of when I’d daydreamed about introducing our new baby girl to the world…For the first few months of her life, I didn’t get all of the cuddles I’d waited those long 8 years to experience…And this isn’t how I wanted to end my childbearing years…I was supposed to get to CHOOSE all of that…
When what should have been sheer joy is threatened in every moment by fear and pain…How do mourn & dance at the same time?
You lean in really hard to I AM, because only He IS Enough.
You learn to do it. I’ll tell you that.

You begin to scrape around in the darkness to find the smallest shimmers of light to rejoice in, counting the smallest of gifts, so that you can overcome the grief of the gifts lost. And some the gifts are huge. So you choose to dance with a broken heart.

To be thankful because He is good. While you call the ugly what it is, you don’t stop calling the beautiful what it is: GOOD. And you remember, He both gives and takes away. Nothing can be taken that wasn’t first given by Him. So you swallow the lump in your throat and begin to say “thank you” and “I still trust you”. 
God’s still restoring; yet, there are some things that will forever be lost. I’m praying that I find Him and myself in more beautiful ways, as I learn to let lie to rest what has died. And I’m learning that, some of what has died, is going to be a good thing in the long run…

This weekend I will be sharing my heart {about my heart} as part of a patient panel at a Vanderbilt Heart Patient Symposium in Nashville, TN. I’m representing those who have had a SCAD {spontaneous coronary artery dissection} peri-partum. As I’ve attempted to prepare, all of the emotions it has stirred up have been very raw; more raw than I want them to be. I’ve been unable to even begin to write, because of the anger, grief, sadness, fear, and lack of understanding that are all so mixed up in my gratitude to still be alive. There has been so much more taken from me than most around me comprehend; the grief is real. Yet I know One who redeems…
There is so much the enemy has desired to, and attempted to, steal or strip from me {and the ones I love}, but I know the one who is victorious over Him.
Even though I thought I was overcoming, I’m realizing, these emotions still run very deep. While they run deeply, they are also lying so close to the surface waiting to spill out that it feels I might explode at times. Perhaps I’ve stuffed them?! And perhaps that’s why I’ve avoided writing about it; all of those memories hurt. BUT, I KNOW HE IS GOOD.
“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”
Psalm 27:13-14
Wait patiently, it’s a slow process…
Perhaps, I’m just getting to a place where I can face all of these emotions. Nineteen months later, it’s all still a very real battle and I’m sharing ALL of this because, while I’m finding tremendous joy in the moments I’ve been allowed to experience, I’m still needing you to PRAY for me.
My PHYSICAL HEART feels great and they tell me it has healed well. I’m praising God for that! But then again, it always did feel and look great, until it suddenly dissected in two places, so that’s a “security “that no longer feels secure to me. But maybe that’s a good thing, because now I know, He’s my only sure thing. Everything else is a false sense of security.
And my other heart, the emotional one, needs so much mending…
“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart, he is mine forever.”
Psalm 73:26
Pray courage, please. Pray peace, pray healing, pray that in his strength, I overcome every obstacle physically, emotionally, spiritually that has been set up against me, and pray for those closest to me, because they have been affected in very real ways {my precious husband and son, their hearts are everything to me}.
Lastly, can you pray that I can share authentically and still manage to express the fact that I know I have SO MUCH HOPE…Because, He’s not done with us.
If you actually read all of this, God Bless you. You’re making a difference in my life.

One thought on “When you’re living with a broken heart that needs mending…

  1. Love y’all and love your heart (the spiritual one). Thank you for this writing. Life is hard and it does have a way of smacking us upside the head when we least expect it. I don’t know how anyone could go through these times without our Father to lean on and into.. Praying for you constantly❤️


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