It was this week, May 18th, one year ago when the Lord woke me up at 3am, and in a matter of moments, life would never be the same. I knew what lie ahead of me: I had a pregnancy test to take, which had definitely happened before. And it could be positive, which had also happened before. But would I get to see and hold this baby if it was?! Because I could miscarry, it had definitely happened before. My heart raced faster than my mind ticked with all the what ifs, but before I could even ask the Lord to calm my anxious thoughts, he interjected almost audibly:
“This is the day that Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!”
And I’m pretty certain I knew then, that THIS time was going to be different.
I took the test:
After telling my husband the news, we were both filled with such shock and excitement that we couldn’t possibly sleep.
So we decided a super early breakfast was the next logical step, scrambled eggs and such at 4am. My hubby somewhat prides himself on handling breakfast almost daily, but this day I fetched his ingredients while he prepped the food. As I reached into the egg carton (the same Aldi egg carton that we always get), my eyes immediately settled on this:
Printed on the inside of the egg carton was Psalm 118:24, “This is the Day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Wow. Just infinitely, incredibly, sovereignly wow. And a tangible peace and joy immediately clothed me.
He didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to speak to me at all. But He definitely didn’t have to speak to me twice in 30 minutes. Yet He did. I was overwhelmed in that moment with how personally and tenderly He loves us. He KNEW I’d need a tangible confirmation that he’d in fact spoken to me when my eyes popped open this morning; that it hadn’t just been my mind making stuff up. Because when you experience sudden loss and grief, it does something to your ability to hope, to be glad. He knew I needed to know that He was in control and that he had good planned and that I could take heart and rejoice in this exciting news. So I had to take a picture, because I knew in that instant, this was an altar moment. One in which I was to worship and take joy. One that I would need a physical reminder of, so that I could recall the Lord’s faithfulness in the days ahead. And that I did. I returned to this altar moment almost daily. Through every step of my pregnancy, when doubt or fear tried to steal my joy, I was reminded that, “NO, God said to rejoice.”
(To be extremely transparent here, when we married we were on the same page– no need to wait or prevent having another baby. But then the first miscarriage happened. And I grieved both the loss of the baby and the change of my husband’s heart. I was angry and hurting and grasping for what I thought would turn it all back around.)
The first two years of our married life were consumed with talk about babies. I’d certainly worn my husband out to death with my grief, pain and desires regarding the matter. Every month was a roller coaster, and in all my attempts to add joy to our marriage, I was probably sucking the life out of it 😒
BUT, now I’d finally relinquished that desire to the Lord’s timing and set my husband’s heart toward that matter strictly in the Lord’s hands (not for my manipulating or persuading). In the couple months prior, I’d begun focusing hard on my health and my marriage. And I was truly content with that. We made plans to run a half marathon in CA and bought our plane tickets. THIS DAY being MADE was quite possibly the furthest thing from our minds. And low and behold, the Lord having a sense of humor, choose now to MAKE THIS DAY in the exact month when there was exactly one opportunity for it to have been made 😳😂☺️🙈.)
The Lord’s impeccable timing absolutely astounds me. Exactly one day before I was to take this test, my husband and I had returned from our friends’ wedding, and seemingly out of nowhere, James had shared with me that he’d had a conversation with a friend at the wedding…and then he proceeded to utter the words that my ears had longed to hear since our first miscarriage had completely rocked his world two years earlier: “I think I’m finally in a place where I’m ok with the idea of you getting pregnant.”
So it was settled. The Lord had given me every indication that this time was the real deal. And on top of that, He’d sovereignly chosen to express that His heart’s desire was for me to be glad and not fear. Sounds simple to some, but a heart that is gun shy isn’t quick to the trigger. AND HE KNEW ME. He didn’t want me to play it safe and avoid being excited for fear it would be stripped away. He didn’t want me to entertain thoughts of all that could go wrong to and allow it steal the joy he was sending. He wanted me to BE GLAD and to REJOICE, because THIS was the day that HE HAD MADE.
And only now can I see: He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is all knowing. He knew better than I did. Because He knew our hearts. He knew what timing was best for both my husband and I. He knew the unity needed in our marriage foundation before he blessed us with another child. He knew the stripping away and rebuilding of character that He desired for each of us. And lest we be deceived into thinking we had control of when our family would grow, he knew the exact circumstances and timing to demonstrate that HE and HE alone gets the glory for being Creator and giver of new life! Oh! Won’t He will get His Glory?!
May 18, 2016, this happened:
We played with chew beads in the carpool line.
Glory to His Great Name!