New Year’s Eve: 2013

Last year, by this time of day, we’d physically cried every tear our eyes could produce. My husband and I had slept almost none in 48hrs as all hell had broken loose so unexpectedly in our lives. We spent New Year’s Eve huddled in a pile on the couch attempting to grasp for some sense of normalcy. We ate our first meal in two days, pizza, and watched The Office on Netflix. Because what else do you do as you are losing your first baby…

After only 4 months of marriage, we’d just enjoyed Christmas reflecting on the birth of our savior Jesus and dreaming about the birth of our first child together. After Christmas we had even gotten a brand new bed for our 7yr old, because it was finally time for his old bed frame to be used as a crib. I’d wondered when and if this day would ever come. For seven years a single mom I wondered if I was saving it for nothing. It was waiting in the spare bedroom to be assembled in the coming weeks, and we’d spent a few hours cleaning up and organizing the room. My first appointment, that I had anxiously awaited for a month, was at the end of this week and we were finally going to see our baby via ultrasound this Friday…

And then all of a sudden all of those hopes and dreams were ripped away. Stolen in an instant. Gone. Gone so quickly that I had to keep reminding myself that I was no longer pregnant: when I went to eat something, I no longer needed to consider its impact on my baby; when I felt nauseated, it wasn’t because a baby was growing; when I woke up for the morning prenatal vitamin, it was only for my own body’s benefit. And at this current moment, that wasn’t good enough. Empty. I’ve never felt more alone and empty.

And it was months before I could go in the spare bedroom. And when I did I sobbed and sobbed. It was like the whole world suddenly stopped spinning, I couldn’t proceed forward, I didn’t know how, I was still trying to grasp what had happened in the past. Except that was the worst part, only my world had stopped spinning. Everyone outside of my husband and I, went on with life as if it was a completely normal day, week, month…while I silently battled the worst feelings I have ever experienced in my entire life.

I was devastated, sad doesn’t even cut it. I was envious, everyone around me was getting pregnant- not me though. I was angry, every time a pregnant girl complained about something being uncomfortable I wanted to slap her. And I wrestled guilt after guilt for feeling all of those things. Which made me even more angry, because I never asked for any of this. I felt like the world was just happening TO me.

And my husband was doing his best to stay strong while he was not only grieving the loss of his baby, but also grieving the loss of his new bride. Because I was no longer the same. You don’t go through something like this and remain the same…it changes you one way or another, for the better or for the worse. And that was the first time we endured this, one day I will share more about our second loss this year, on September 20, 2014…the day before our one year anniversary.

So that’s where I still I am…Attempting NOT to be swallowed up by 2014, but rather, to allow all of the pain to be used toward my own transformation into something more beautiful, so that both I and others may know there is hope beyond the hurting…

This New Year’s Eve is bittersweet, but we have chose to celebrate the fact that in one year, we now have two babies in heaven, and we refuse to allow this year to take us down. We will remain hopeful in all areas of life, to see the Lord’s goodness in 2015. It’s the promise He’s given us to hold onto through it all, and He has been faithful to be our strength daily, and we don’t want to miss the new thing He is doing…

Psalms 27:13-14

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

 

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One thought on “New Year’s Eve: 2013

  1. Dennika, I am truly sorry for your suffering. To say it will get easier in time is not totally true. I, too, lost a baby. Mine was a 2.5 lb. baby boy who lived for one day. This was over 40 years ago and I still grieve his loss. It took me ten years after losing my son before I could try again. We now have two wonderful sons, 2 wonderful daughters in law, and 5 grandchildren, with another to come soon. Our son and daughter-in-law have a beautiful 2 year old, but have had 2 miscarriages. They are trying again and hoping all goes well this time! I know with God, James and Maddox at your side, you will be alright. My prayers are with all of you!!

    Like

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