In God’s providential grace, I have a younger sister (who is also my best friend). She came to live with me the first two years of this whole new life, and I couldn’t have survived without her. She was my son’s nanny and my rock. A bond and a blessing that only the Lord could have designed. His grace is so sufficient. And then it was time to let her fly as she moved into a new phase of life: career and marriage, so at the age of 2, Maddox started daycare.
Organization has never been a strength of mine. Absentmindedness, however, always has. I’m notorious for trying to do TOO much at one time, please tell me that I’m not the only one? Anyway, inevitably I end up flustered and having missed something. But for some reason, each new day I find myself with the same case of amnesia about the day before: overestimating my ability to get EVERYTHING done, and rediscovering that I’ve fallen short again. I’ve come to believe over time, that’s just human nature; our minds have to be reset daily. With all that said: it was a miracle when Maddox made it to daycare and I made it to work with everything we needed, on-time. (In fact, it was a rare occasion).
Like the day that I got him to daycare and realized that I’d failed to put shoes on my two year old! We were 20 minutes from home, and 20 minutes into my 1.5 hour one-way commute, so the school was just going to have to break the state laws (that they informed me of) because I was NOT going back home to get a two year old shoes!
Or how about the day in my driveway that I was spun around in a complete circle (literally) as I slammed my car door simultaneously while running back into the house to get whatever I’d forgotten. Well the car door came to an abrupt halt when it collided into my forehead. And the greatest evidence that I was overwhelmed to the max: I didn’t even realize the gaping, bloody, car door shaped gash on my forehead until 40 minutes later when I walked into work and a co-worker pointed it out.
Managing Maddox and I and all of life, on my own, was infinitely harder. And those were menial compared to some other days…
Don’t even get me started on the sacred day when my 3yr old did a Father’s Day project at school and brought up that topic on our evening commute home. In tears he asked if he had a dad and where he was…and I pulled over that car in the parking lot of a random church on a country hillside, and what followed was like something from a movie y’all. I can replay it in my mind at this very moment. I prayed for the right words to give him, I wanted nothing more than to take away his pain, and then I got into the backseat with my baby boy. And together we cried as I held him and explained that we were just going to pray that one day God would send us a daddy that loved us the way we should be loved…You’re never the same after a moment like that- and today, it is a sacred moment. A moment where God changed me and God molded my son’s beautiful heart, to trust in Him. God gave us courage to face the future together.
EVERY DAY was something y’all.
Meanwhile, all of my other single friends found their prince charming, went on their honeymoons and lived happily ever after…(at least in my mind they did.)
And here I was learning to survive and trying to teach another life how to LIVE…
In retrospect: I learned a lot. The daily having to lean on the Lord molded me into the person I am today. He knew my severe stubbornness, and in grace, He gave this difficultly beautiful season to me: because He knew I would never have changed otherwise. I say “in grace” because had it been “easy” I’m positive I would never have realized how desperately I need Him. It had to be hammered into me, repeatedly. He could have let me follow my own hard headed way of life (I shutter at the thought of where that would have led). But instead, by grace, gave me His hand for the journey, day by day.
Being a single mama made me better. It made me stronger. It made me TRUST Him. And my son and I have a priceless bond. And standing on this side of those tough years, I wouldn’t trade all that I learned for anyone else’s journey…God knew it was EXACTLY what I needed. And day by day, I became more and more convinced that choosing to trust His ways over mine, was so worth it. So step by step, Holy Spirit performed a transformation, through ordinary messy, everyday life.
The daily details, that while I was attempting to give them to the Lord, still seemed like a daily mess…He used all of it.
Every single bit of it. The overwhelming job demands, the daycare needs, the 2 job changes, the messy house, the financial chaos, the lonely and overwhelming days, all intertwined with those sacred and unforgettable moments when being a mom filled my heart with incomprehensible joy. And, last but not least, the precious close knit group of my God-given family and friends…He used it all to make something beautiful.
That is why, in my next blog, I am going to share the Top 10 Lessons from Single Motherhood that the Lord engraved upon my heart through the everyday walk with Him during that season of my life…and they are so relevant in my life to this day!