The entire reason I started this blog is because God wouldn’t let me rest until I did.
Everywhere I’ve turned since December 29, 2013, when the Holy Spirit met me in worship in an extravagant way during a church service- I’ve heard Him calling me to surrender completely- my life and its story– all my hopes, dreams and plans as His child, to both His sovereignty to write, and His glory to be told.
I’ve been walking with the Lord for seven years now, and in each new season, as best as I’ve known how, I’ve been surrendering and allowing Him to write each part of my story. But on that day, the Lord asked for more: He made it clear He wants It all.
As the worship team lead us in a song with the lyrics that repeated: “I will remain, confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord…” I was reminded of the verse that God had given me a month earlier- the one taped to my mirror in my bathroom- so that daily I’d have confidence that NO MATTER what, He is Good.
And I felt Him prompting me to hold tight to this, no matter what lie ahead.
And then He asked: “What if the worst happened, do you still believe I’m good?”
And at the time I thought, well Lord, everything seems to be going great, no large bumps in the pending adoption of my son by my husband, and I’m 8wks pregnant!
Yet through tears and palms facing upward and open to Heaven, in the best posture of surrender that I knew, I’d somehow uttered a timid, but genuine and well-thought out, yes.
Lord, yes, even still I’d trust you are good: no matter what.
The weight of which I felt, but couldn’t quite comprehend the why or what of it. I said a simple yes, entrusting it all to Him, and hoping it didn’t mean that He’d actually ask for it. And yet, knowing, no matter what, that I’d find Him to be faithful and good.
And that very night the miscarriage began.
And there, taped upon my mirror in my bathroom, directly in my line of vision from that dreaded place of sheer terror, was this verse that brought it all together:
“Yet, I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”
It was on the mirror because God had given me this verse a month before, on a day when I was overcome with anxiety about the details of the process that stood between today, and the day that my husband’s adoption of my (now Our) son would be official in the courts.
This was the very same verse that had inspired the artist to write the song, that I had worshipped to that very morning at church, that the Holy Spirit had used to so clearly speak to my heart. And in this moment, in the bathroom, just before bedtime stories with my little boy, when the entire world came crashing down in one horrifying instant, God was there- in fact, He’d gone before me. And I knew at the sight of that verse that this what He’d been preparing my heart for…
Because it is not until our “yes” is tested that is proven to be sincere.
And since that day, I’ve continued to hear the words: Surrender your story…
And through tears and prayers I’ve reminded Him (for my own heart’s benefit) of His promises. I’ve told Him, time and time again, you said I’d see your goodness, show it to me please. Give me eyes to see.
And over the days, weeks, months to come: He’d prove his promises to me, over and over and over again. Because when I couldn’t breathe and wanted to fall apart, I clung to the fact that He’d made sure to tell me, before it had all gone awry, that He was good. And He can’t change, He is always good.
And how do you abandon the only One who knows how to speak to your heart exactly what you will need to know, before you even know you’ll need it? Where else would I go here on earth, but You, God?
And the Cross- the Cross, my rock, that I kept coming back to when I had no eyes to see goodness in this day.
The Cross was ugly, but it was Good. It was the apex of His goodness poured out for me.
And it leads me to trust His goodness again. So I’ll keep looking today…
And I’d find out in the months to come, that the call to surrender, afresh and anew, had only just begun…